With apologies to Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren …

Part One:

Dear Ann;

I need some advice.

I have led a very active, very public life.

Early on, I was active as a Goldwater Girl, promoting the candidacy of the late senator from Arizona.

A few years later, I was on the board of directors for the Walmart while it was being criticized for fighting to keep employ pay as low as possible and for claiming to give American products priority on its shelves when that wasn’t entirely true.

A short while later I invested in the commodities market and within days had earned 10 times the investment. Too, my husband and I joined a recreational real estate development project expecting a decent return. As it turned out, some of my partners in that project went to prison and others, well, they died.

There have been several times when people have asked questions regarding donors to causes and other things and events with which I have had some involvement. Strangely, records related to these topics have inexplicably disappeared and, though I have tried my best, I have not been able to recall meetings or conversations.

I should also mention that on more than one occasion I have changed my thinking. For instance, I once firmly believed that legal marriage could only exist between a man and a woman. I no longer believe that. I also liked the North American Free Trade Agreement before I didn’t like it and a few other things, too.

I have also misremembered a few things, specifically and repeatedly extolling my own bravery when, well, it just didn’t happen.

And I guess I should mention an FBI investigation in which I was determined to have been “extremely careless” about national security.

Oh, and my husband is a serial adulterer who lost his law license due to perjury.

I will close with the fact that we have both always wanted to help people.

My question is this: Do you think I’d make a good president?

Hillary

Part Two:

Dear Abby;

I need some advice.

I have led a very active, very public life.

Early on, I inherited a decent amount of money that provided me a stake in the real estate market in New York City, probably the toughest market in the world. Because I had money, I negotiated from a position of strength, I admit that.

Anyway, I have been successful, wildly successful. I have worked with the best people. I don’t know how much money I have, but it’s possible I have overstated the total and it’s also possible my income tax returns aren’t the most accurate in the world.

I say things. I say lots of things. Sometimes I say things about women that are honest, maybe too honest. But women adore me. I will say that. And I will say I have been married at various times to some of the most beautiful women in the world.

Some people don’t understand that I have tried to share my skills in negotiating through books and I even started a university to teach my methods to anybody smart enough to learn them. A lot of people, quite frankly, are too stupid. I am in business, and I charged for that. Some people aren’t happy. I say too bad.

I have bought a lot of politicians because, quite frankly, that’s what I had to do, and I have used bankruptcy to my advantage. It was legal.

I was recruited to appear on a TV show where I could be a bully. I was good at it. Lots of people watched the show. I made millions for that show until they fired me.

I am also very frustrated by the media. They are not quality people. When I tell them something, they go out and check whether it’s true. And if it’s not, they want to know why. If they’re not going to do what I tell them, then I’m not going to deal with them.

I have never served in any public office, but I can tell right from wrong and I intend to tell people what’s right. For instance, letting people into the country who are not Americans is, well, un-American and it needs to stop. It will stop, too. Because I will tell it to stop.

I don’t ask a lot of questions, being that I know most everything and that’s why I have been successful, but just for the heck of it, do you think I’d make a good president?

Donald

Charlie Mitchell is a Mississippi journalist. Write to him at cmitchell43@yahoo.com